im sure i love God.
but i asked myself.
wad if one day God leaves me, wad will i do ?
will i cry ? will i still yearned for forgiveness ?

weiwei said to me "he more impt thn God hor ?"
well , excuses sometimes lead me to nowhere.
i asked myself when's th last time i do my quiet time ?
since whn i've last prayed out aloud with th yearness for God.

i must admit tht life as a christian is nt as ez and smooth as i tot it will be.
and certainly , i have tot bout giving up th place i have in God's heart, the place which i belong,
and all my spiritual family..
with th rejection tht my parents give ; th rejections i recieved,
by rite i shud be drawing closer to God.
but hell, no! maybe for a while im seriously sensing God's presence.
after that ? He's like th sky. smtg which i cant reached out for.

thinking bout this, bring tears to me.
saw zhenkai's blog.
he said tht backslidder brings about regrets to him.
well , i bring tears to myself. cuz i sometimes really regret my actions,
cry out to th Lord, feel much btr, thn i do it again.
its like cheap grace ? Lol. cant believe it tht im actually practising it.
zhimin once said to me "we , humans tend to love our sins more thn th being Holy"
ITS SUPER DUPER TRUE ~ much as i want to argue back,
but i cant . th truth is th truth.
i cant deny it.

i admit tht im nt a strong gal.
but seriously , i can be strong in front of ANYBODY, but God.
but why is it tht th place He has in my heart is so easily replaceable one way or another?
i knw tht we shud put Him first priority right ?
but why i just cant do it ? or is it tht i dun have th faith to do so ?
is my faith something to show off about ?
my knwledge of God is so limited ; yet im like telling everybody about Him.
is this show off ?

GOD , PLEASE DIRECT ME !
UR WONDERFUL CHILD IS LOST.
I PRAYED THT MY SHEPHARD WILL GUIDE ME BACK TO TH CROSS.
amen.